Through Our Eyes, In Our Voices,the ARTS in our lives:Tee Jay's Story

My name is Tee Jay. I'm 43yrs.old and I'm living proof that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'm a survivor of many things I'm predisposed to drug addiction and mental illness . Both of my parents were alcoholics /addicts my mother was bipolar as am I, among st other diagnoses. At 19 I was incarcerated, I was angry and emotionally immature to the point I didn't know how to talk about how I felt. I wasn't allowed to talk about my feelings as a child nor ask for help. So naturally when I got older I carried that with me. I began writing poetry at age 7. I also began cutting myself, these were my outlets to deal with my feelings of frustration and anger. All I knew was to write my feelings down and keep them to myself. My thoughts were forbidden as were my experiences so all that emotional pain I either kept inside, wrote about or cut over...

    In 1996 I was sent to solitary confinement and later put in administrative segregation. That time alone changed me. I lost my dad at 18, now my mother was dying and I didn't  know how to deal with that. I began asking myself questions in my journals, things like"why are you sad "? And proceeded to answer these questions. I took it one step further, I brought it to therapy and read it to get feedback and insight. Slowly I learned how to verbalize my feelings, express them to other people I trusted, because trust doesn't come easy for me. It took me 15 years to be able to say to another human being "I'm angry or sad and I don't  know what to do with these feelings. It got raiser over time and though I continued to hurt myself and others,  I also was talking about how I felt...I was released from ad-seg in 2004. Eight years by myself  helped me. I had written 7 volumes of poetry and went home in 2006.

    In 2014 I went to a writing workshop called RTA [Rehabilitation Through The Arts] as I was back in prison and needed to do something positive with my time. RTA gave me a voice, wings and now in freedom with 18 months clean from drugs I continue to write poetry for it is my salvation and my strength.. RTA taught me to express the darkness and the pain in doing so I've come into the light.. Id like to have some of my poetry published because I can only keep something by giving it away...

Reverence and Redemption written from RTA second semester October 23rd 2014

Sinister thoughts caught in a mass of confusion, tick-tock,the clock hands move as I choose to step beyond the illusion of emotional pain that causes me to drain the blood of my ancestors from my skin,torn flesh,is there no rest from this inner turmoil that always begins with hurt feelings from the intrusion when I allow people in.

There seems to be no end to the ties that bind my mind as I do this time for a crime that was senseless.

I don't regret much of anything in my life,yet my agony is deep,almost boundless.

A whirl wind of strife-is this the reason I cut up with razors at seven,to begin with an eight inch knife.

I can't make excuses for this continued self-abuse and if I do there will be no flesh left.

If ever I've lost my music,the joy that calms the beast within,I am stuck.

I need to keep moving,that's what my spirit tells me,for if I stop,I may just drop every purpose that keeps me breathing.

Religious I'm not,yet gotta bounce surrounds me wherever I go.

He lifts me up and carries me when my feet are sore and bloody from walking on a road that wasn't meant for me.

I chose to alter my journey,yet fate will step in to realign me on a path where destiny will remove demons that are trying to overtake my positive energy.

Yet behind the scene you have no power here,no longer will I cower in fear.

I am a light with passion and intelligence.I rebuke your demons,they are insurgents come to rob,kill and destroy the laws of the innocent.

I will not allow you to steal my joy.GOD help me to remove this belligerence.

The melancholy of the male version is being transformed into a beauty so divine, I am blinded as my eyes open wide.

Behold I can see there is life for me without the need to release emotional pain by slicing my arms that are attached to the body that is not mine but the Temple of GOD.

Why do I put it,free my spirit,these demons that chased me down even without hesitation.

Even as I say this,I think of how good it feels to pop a few pills,inhale smoke and get lifted.

I am so gifted,no I am not bragging,just stating facts. I am as loyal and real as the heart attack that the elderly women who sits in her chair looking out at the sunset not wanting to eternally rest has had or the eighteen year old playing ball with his future ahead of him,popular with friends and drops dead and there is no reason why you or I should question GOD or life.

This is the land of accomplishments,broken dreams,nothing is as it seems!

We all must leave,some sooner than later. 

Yet it does get better.

The sand in the hourglass is empty. Dance of the bottom-X run out, I feel elated.

I am begotton from a being who gave up his life for me.

The most I can do is be free with the gifts he bestowed upon me.

My mind is at times a place of utter lunacy.

I give up my will so his will can be done.

I will walk in the shoes of another so I can see I'm not the only one who struggles with an internal battle that pushes one forward into a cage.Like so many cattle-feel this RAGE!

Yeah,I'll ride along.Express these pains,ask these questions,these words and in the end

I will gain insight of what my purpose on this Earth is. Till then I can only pray that one day

I will walk into the sun.

Celebration for the changes I made and the good I have done. The impact I will make on all,

even if it's only one.

I am a child of GOD,I am my Father's son.